This year has been mighty eventful for me, rich with experiences, good and bad alike. 2016 began on an ominous note with a hospital visit(not me, a family member) and was filled with many such trips and many such ups and downs. Anyhow, this is not going to be about that. But, it's going to be about me.
A few days back, I answered a question on Quora and this post is about what I shared in the answer (reproduced below).
There was a ‘phase’ I went through a few months back.
I remember doing normal chores and in the middle of that, I’d start crying, like a full blown meltdown. My mum would ask me to get water and tears would start rolling down. I’d be sitting in the room trying to study and without realising I’ll end up with tears in my eyes. I used to just lie down on the floor, look at the fan and just keep crying, imagining ways to end my life. I used to be in the college, teacher giving us a lecture about tax law or something equally mundane, and I’d start bawling. I'd imagine jumping off of the sixth floor of my college from the window of the adjacent class. So many times, I'd go into that class, open the window and just stare. I'd often be talking to people and realise that I am about to have a meltdown, run to the washroom, cry/cut and then walk out and pretend that everything's cool. I even tried to seek help by talking to someone I trusted, I started texting this friend, he asked me if I was PMSing. And I ended up cutting a lot that night after telling him off. It was the darkest period. I do not know how I got out of it, gradually, I did.
During that particular phase, I felt like I was perpetually floating, I couldn’t drown nor could I fly. It was just a whole lot of nothings with a lot of meltdowns and self-harm.
That was the worst emotion I ever felt, especially, because it continued for the longest time. I am absolutely terrified of feeling like that ever again. I don't think it was depression because it wasn't that worse. But, yes, I was upset, I was sad, a little more than that. And without a proper cause. I would never wish this upon anyone.
Source: What was the worst phase in your life?
What made the whole 'phase' even more frustrating was that there was no apparent reason for it. That feeling was inside of me and no matter what I did, I couldn't escape it. I couldn't run away from it. I didn't want to share this with anyone because I didn't believe they could really help me. How could they when I had no reason to be upset? I didn't want to talk about it with anyone because honestly, people suck. They only care for you when it's convenient to them plus, after a while, they get tired of listening to the same problem. And the advice they give, even though they have the best interests in their hearts, those aren't always the best.
Honestly, if I could, I would focus on the positive; if I could, I would 'not be upset'. But, I couldn't, at least not then. I turned to self-harm which was, as usual, even that was of little help.
Gradually, as I started talking and opening up again with people, this 'phase' gradually went away perpetually instilling in me the fear of its return.
Another thing, I acknowledged in the answer was that I self-harm. I have been using self-harm(cutting, in my case) as a way to cope with stress, feelings and any other overwhelming emotion for the past six years. If you think even for a second that it was a cry for attention, know that I hid it from everyone for SIX WHOLE YEARS including my family. It is wrong to cut, I know that but years of cutting has made me an addict.
I still struggle with it every single day, I go months without it but then even a minor stressful situation has me searching for a blade to relieve and help me cope with it. Hell, looking at my old scars on my arms disgusts me so much that I end up cutting all over again. It's a terrible, terrible cycle.
After writing that answer on Quora, I made my mother read it. And the conversation which followed was one of the hardest I've ever had. She was heartbroken over the fact that I was going through something like that but could never talk to her about it. But, she did understand to an extent. Her reaction was not at all what I expected, she took it well considering the circumstances. It made me wish that I had told her sooner.
If you are reading this and know anyone who is going through something similar, has fresh scars up his/her arms. Then please, please do not make it difficult for them, do not judge them for it, do not get mad at them for it. They are struggling with self-harm and their own emotions as it is. If you cannot help them or be there for them, then just please walk away. They don't need your emotions and opinions to burden them further especially when they are that volatile. What you can do is read up on it, talk to them about it, listen to them. Basically, just be there.
Well, so this was it. I hope you all are doing well and keep doing that way :)
To end it on a lighter and sweeter note, here's a picture of me with my beautiful mother. Hope you catch our infectious smiles ^_^
A few days back, I answered a question on Quora and this post is about what I shared in the answer (reproduced below).
There was a ‘phase’ I went through a few months back.
I remember doing normal chores and in the middle of that, I’d start crying, like a full blown meltdown. My mum would ask me to get water and tears would start rolling down. I’d be sitting in the room trying to study and without realising I’ll end up with tears in my eyes. I used to just lie down on the floor, look at the fan and just keep crying, imagining ways to end my life. I used to be in the college, teacher giving us a lecture about tax law or something equally mundane, and I’d start bawling. I'd imagine jumping off of the sixth floor of my college from the window of the adjacent class. So many times, I'd go into that class, open the window and just stare. I'd often be talking to people and realise that I am about to have a meltdown, run to the washroom, cry/cut and then walk out and pretend that everything's cool. I even tried to seek help by talking to someone I trusted, I started texting this friend, he asked me if I was PMSing. And I ended up cutting a lot that night after telling him off. It was the darkest period. I do not know how I got out of it, gradually, I did.
During that particular phase, I felt like I was perpetually floating, I couldn’t drown nor could I fly. It was just a whole lot of nothings with a lot of meltdowns and self-harm.
That was the worst emotion I ever felt, especially, because it continued for the longest time. I am absolutely terrified of feeling like that ever again. I don't think it was depression because it wasn't that worse. But, yes, I was upset, I was sad, a little more than that. And without a proper cause. I would never wish this upon anyone.
Source: What was the worst phase in your life?
What made the whole 'phase' even more frustrating was that there was no apparent reason for it. That feeling was inside of me and no matter what I did, I couldn't escape it. I couldn't run away from it. I didn't want to share this with anyone because I didn't believe they could really help me. How could they when I had no reason to be upset? I didn't want to talk about it with anyone because honestly, people suck. They only care for you when it's convenient to them plus, after a while, they get tired of listening to the same problem. And the advice they give, even though they have the best interests in their hearts, those aren't always the best.
Honestly, if I could, I would focus on the positive; if I could, I would 'not be upset'. But, I couldn't, at least not then. I turned to self-harm which was, as usual, even that was of little help.
Gradually, as I started talking and opening up again with people, this 'phase' gradually went away perpetually instilling in me the fear of its return.
Another thing, I acknowledged in the answer was that I self-harm. I have been using self-harm(cutting, in my case) as a way to cope with stress, feelings and any other overwhelming emotion for the past six years. If you think even for a second that it was a cry for attention, know that I hid it from everyone for SIX WHOLE YEARS including my family. It is wrong to cut, I know that but years of cutting has made me an addict.
I still struggle with it every single day, I go months without it but then even a minor stressful situation has me searching for a blade to relieve and help me cope with it. Hell, looking at my old scars on my arms disgusts me so much that I end up cutting all over again. It's a terrible, terrible cycle.
After writing that answer on Quora, I made my mother read it. And the conversation which followed was one of the hardest I've ever had. She was heartbroken over the fact that I was going through something like that but could never talk to her about it. But, she did understand to an extent. Her reaction was not at all what I expected, she took it well considering the circumstances. It made me wish that I had told her sooner.
If you are reading this and know anyone who is going through something similar, has fresh scars up his/her arms. Then please, please do not make it difficult for them, do not judge them for it, do not get mad at them for it. They are struggling with self-harm and their own emotions as it is. If you cannot help them or be there for them, then just please walk away. They don't need your emotions and opinions to burden them further especially when they are that volatile. What you can do is read up on it, talk to them about it, listen to them. Basically, just be there.
Well, so this was it. I hope you all are doing well and keep doing that way :)
To end it on a lighter and sweeter note, here's a picture of me with my beautiful mother. Hope you catch our infectious smiles ^_^
No comments:
Post a Comment